"No one should ever have to live up to anyone's expectations."
That's what I say.
It's been 15 days since I've been back from Thailand.
Haven't particularly called any of my friends. Haven't emailed any of my supporters. Haven't talked with anyone (if I can avoid them.)
That's been my experience having come back from my "first mission trip."
Why?
Because I have absolutely NOTHING to say!
- "how was Thailand?," people ask.
- "it was good," I say.
- "well tell me more. I wanna hear all about it!", they often say.
- and I say, "it's Thailand."
What more do you wanna know?
Do you wanna hear how my trip to Thailand was such a life-altering experience that I feel like giving my all and moving to Thailand to serve the Lord and the Thai people?
Do you wanna hear me say that the trip had totally opened my eyes to how people live in other parts of the world and that having observed it totally makes me wanna change my lifestyle here in the States?
Do you wanna hear me say that I've come back a completely changed man -- having seen the poverty, lived among the poor -- my life will now never be the same?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HEAR?!?!?
I feel like there are those around me who wants to hear those exact words. Exact words.
As if their first time experience and all the other first timers' experiences ought to be what I should be feeling / learning / and struggling with.
So why haven't I contacted my friends & supporters?
Because I have nothing to say.
I don't feel like going back to Thailand to devote my life out there.
I don't feel like completely altering my lifestyle because "now I've seen how people live in other parts of the world."
I don't feel like I've come back a completely changed man -- now ready to take on the world and live for only the Good and Righteous.
I don't think or feel like any of those things that I think people think how I ought to feel and think and change.
Going into this mission trip I had no expectations. NO EXPECTATIONS!
I wanted to go. Do the job that's been given to me. And no more.
Having come back though..... I feel like I'm expected to be like all the other "first time mission goers."
Whether it be struggling to assimilate back into "regular life." Or having a tough time "processing" all that's been experienced.
So what do I tell them?
That I've worked long hours under a blistering sun, trudging through leach-infested swamps, carrying a log that seem to weigh a ton -- sharpening them with hatchets we've almost never used before?
But it seem so trivial.
And it wasn't really a swamp. And it wasn't leach-infested.
Whether it's physical work, educating the young minds, the new living conditions -- they all seem so trivial to be telling people who've come to hear "how I've so changed."
But then I'm reminded -- having talked with my friends at work, sharing with them the experiences as I experienced it, the scenes as I saw it -- that it's not about changes within me (as many would make you think by telling you that "you'll come back a different person," and "this experience will change your life forever,") but it's about seeing God at work in & through others.
And maybe through my experience others may be motivated or encouraged to check out this God, or take a step towards missions. Or something.
Maybe that's it.
Or maybe it's not about any of that.
But one thing is for sure.
"No one should ever have to live up to anyone's expectations."
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as I've said before.....
I process much on my own, but the rest I process by talking with people.
Going back to work today and talking with my coworkers was such a blessing that my heart's been yearning for for the past two weeks -- without myself even knowing.
I think there's more to come as I share with people whom I don't feel like they are there to hear, "how it was such a life-altering experience." =P
